How to get there from here, part zero (til i understand or go blind...)

if i were to leave my location in life where i am now, i would be foolish. so much has changed in the past 15 years that the current me would be unrecognizable from the 15-years-ago me. i thought i had shit figured out- how things were supposed to be and how they were gonna go. but i'm very confident in the fact that i don't now. but if nick saban is correct (and, oh, he is) we are all part of a process. that where we were isn't where we are, and where we are isn't where we are bound to stay. if right now i am blinded by darkness in the woods somewhere, then i am certainly looking for clarity. i'm looking to keep moving, keep the process going.

thing is, i have no idea which way i am pointed. or where i am headed. as scandalous and flat-out frightening as it may be to admit this, i could see myself giving up the whole thing. how crazy would that be? i am still technically a reverend. but the current state of churches and religion and all that shit makes my stomach turn and my eyes roll to such a point that i want to have nothing to do with it. so much so that i constantly question the validity of it all.

all of it.

i still like the idea of living a life of kindness and generosity and love. and i think that's what Jesus was about. but is it necessary to have faith in something to be kind or generous or loving? and what about all the other christian baggage that comes with it. like how you have to not drink or swear (and i really enjoy both), and you have to think evolution is a lie from hell (and i don't), and you have to think the obsession with Tebow in the media is because all media members hate christians (i like the dude just fine, but he ain't Jesus. i heard a pastor say he was being crucified by the media. do all crucifixions include nfl contracts and millions of adoring fans? sign me up)

point is, all the baggage sucks, and makes me not want to associate with any of it. but...

i think God is haunting me. because no matter how much i doubt, i can't shake him. i mean, i am blogging about it right now. so i figure the best thing to do, in parallel with a look back at how i got to this point, is to chronicle the direction i'm taking. see where i end up. and somewhere along the way, i think it will lead to me live-tweeting a church service.

and you know you want to read that.