has jefferson county, alabama pissed off God?
seems that way, if the weather is any indication. twice in the last 9 months, huge-ass tornadoes have spun down and ripped our fair county, and a few others, a new one. the storms of last april that laid waste to tuscaloosa, pleasant grove, pratt city, and other places were stunningly devastating. end-of-days type shit. and early monday morning of january 23, another round kicked the crap out of us, hitting my hometown and a mile or so from my current home.
to see places i am so familiar with utterly demolished and changed for good has been pretty tough. places in center point that were part of my life for a long time are gone. a pile of debris. reduced to garbage. and a good 5 or 6 families i know whose homes were damaged. some will have to be rebuilt. all of them will from now on recall that early morning as the day the world crashed very literally around them.
the response has been, like it always been, swift and comprehensive. churches opening their doors and letting people in to sleep, shower, eat, escape. and thousands mobilizing out of those churches to help. wield a chainsaw to cut trees off of homes and cars. carry out trash, babysit kids, wash clothes. whether these people are doing it because of faith in Jesus or some other God, or just out of human decency, it is beautiful to see. inspiring, even. hopeful.
the other side of the response has, predictably, been upsetting to me. many cases of people saying it was all part of God's plan. now i'm not God and i guess he can do what he wants, but i tend to dismiss this thinking pretty quickly. what point is God so desperate to prove that he has to destroy people's homes and lives to make it? this causes huge problems.
i'm so damn doubt-ridden, though, that i am over thinking and finding fault with people who thank God for protecting them. not that he doesn't do that, or didn't that morning. but what about those who lost property or their life? why would he protect some, and level others? how does that make sense? how is that just, or merciful, or even good? i get being grateful for being spared, or being thankful that it was only stuff lost, and not lives. but what about the 16 year old girl who did lose her life? explain that to her parents.
i really don't want to try and find answers for all these questions. i'm ok with the mystery on one hand. but on the other, i am just afraid of the answers.
but i am inspired by the love and generosity and kindness displayed. and by the tenacity to those who refuse to let their community be down for too long. that's where i see glimpses of light. that's where the path will be illumined, if it is to happen.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
How to get there from here, part zero (til i understand or go blind...)
if i were to leave my location in life where i am now, i would be foolish. so much has changed in the past 15 years that the current me would be unrecognizable from the 15-years-ago me. i thought i had shit figured out- how things were supposed to be and how they were gonna go. but i'm very confident in the fact that i don't now. but if nick saban is correct (and, oh, he is) we are all part of a process. that where we were isn't where we are, and where we are isn't where we are bound to stay. if right now i am blinded by darkness in the woods somewhere, then i am certainly looking for clarity. i'm looking to keep moving, keep the process going.
thing is, i have no idea which way i am pointed. or where i am headed. as scandalous and flat-out frightening as it may be to admit this, i could see myself giving up the whole thing. how crazy would that be? i am still technically a reverend. but the current state of churches and religion and all that shit makes my stomach turn and my eyes roll to such a point that i want to have nothing to do with it. so much so that i constantly question the validity of it all.
all of it.
i still like the idea of living a life of kindness and generosity and love. and i think that's what Jesus was about. but is it necessary to have faith in something to be kind or generous or loving? and what about all the other christian baggage that comes with it. like how you have to not drink or swear (and i really enjoy both), and you have to think evolution is a lie from hell (and i don't), and you have to think the obsession with Tebow in the media is because all media members hate christians (i like the dude just fine, but he ain't Jesus. i heard a pastor say he was being crucified by the media. do all crucifixions include nfl contracts and millions of adoring fans? sign me up)
point is, all the baggage sucks, and makes me not want to associate with any of it. but...
i think God is haunting me. because no matter how much i doubt, i can't shake him. i mean, i am blogging about it right now. so i figure the best thing to do, in parallel with a look back at how i got to this point, is to chronicle the direction i'm taking. see where i end up. and somewhere along the way, i think it will lead to me live-tweeting a church service.
and you know you want to read that.
thing is, i have no idea which way i am pointed. or where i am headed. as scandalous and flat-out frightening as it may be to admit this, i could see myself giving up the whole thing. how crazy would that be? i am still technically a reverend. but the current state of churches and religion and all that shit makes my stomach turn and my eyes roll to such a point that i want to have nothing to do with it. so much so that i constantly question the validity of it all.
all of it.
i still like the idea of living a life of kindness and generosity and love. and i think that's what Jesus was about. but is it necessary to have faith in something to be kind or generous or loving? and what about all the other christian baggage that comes with it. like how you have to not drink or swear (and i really enjoy both), and you have to think evolution is a lie from hell (and i don't), and you have to think the obsession with Tebow in the media is because all media members hate christians (i like the dude just fine, but he ain't Jesus. i heard a pastor say he was being crucified by the media. do all crucifixions include nfl contracts and millions of adoring fans? sign me up)
point is, all the baggage sucks, and makes me not want to associate with any of it. but...
i think God is haunting me. because no matter how much i doubt, i can't shake him. i mean, i am blogging about it right now. so i figure the best thing to do, in parallel with a look back at how i got to this point, is to chronicle the direction i'm taking. see where i end up. and somewhere along the way, i think it will lead to me live-tweeting a church service.
and you know you want to read that.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
how i got here from there, part zero (that's me in the corner...)
I used to say that life was like a roller coaster, full of ups and downs. That sometimes life was in a valley, sometimes at a peak, and that the real work came in climbing up those peaks.
I now realize this is complete bullshit.
The problem with the roller coaster visual is that, despite the ups and downs, the path remains fixed. You always end up at the predetermined end-point. A designer somewhere has laid out the way you will go, and the ups and downs are a means to this end. So despite the laborious climbs and the stomach-dropping falls, you always can rest knowing that after the ride you will be deposited where you were always set out to be.
The reason I bring this up is because I had always been sort of a believer that each one of us had a path that was laid before us. That our journey was tough at times, exhilarating at others, but always on the tracks laid out for you. And now, I just don't. Now I believe that we are on a journey, but the map is being drawn as we walk. And wander. Five years ago, I was sure of my "calling" (whatever the hell that is), my direction, and my faith. And now I feel that I have been walking in the woods at night, and i don't know where the fuck I am, or how the fuck I got here, or for that matter, where the fuck I am going.
To say that the last couple of years have been tough would be an understatement. Lost jobs and the financial chaos that brings. Lost loved ones, and the ensuing sadness and emptiness. And relationships that have been pulled and tested to the point of (hopefully not) breaking. To say that I want 2012 to be the year that I reclaim my life and figure stuff out is an even bigger understatement. But I know that it's not completely up to me. I can set out with good intentions, but I must react to what the journey brings. And I know that any minute, the whole thing can blow up.
And if it does, what then?
That, I think, is why I'm back on the blog. To talk some of this out maybe can help me make some sense of it, and maybe shed some light on the way I'm going. It's cathartic talking about your struggles. I recently had a chance to, for an audience at my home church. And I tried to be honest (as much as that is possible in a church) and lay out there how I have felt lost and without God for a while now, but that things seemed to be turning around and hopefully I could reclaim some sort of faith in God. Problem was, I kept getting nudged along to the happy ending that they wanted for me, kept getting asked leading questions that would make me acknowledge the once-was-lost-but-now-am-found narrative that they wanted me to acknowledge. So my refuge is the internet, where I can be labeled a heretic by complete strangers.
Seems like a good idea, right?
So I'll share the journey here, along with some rabbit holes and side streets I may go down (by that i mean sports). Feel free to read along, comment, converse, or call me an idiot. Maybe we can all be better for it. Or maybe not. That's part of the fun, right?
Not knowing.
I now realize this is complete bullshit.
The problem with the roller coaster visual is that, despite the ups and downs, the path remains fixed. You always end up at the predetermined end-point. A designer somewhere has laid out the way you will go, and the ups and downs are a means to this end. So despite the laborious climbs and the stomach-dropping falls, you always can rest knowing that after the ride you will be deposited where you were always set out to be.
The reason I bring this up is because I had always been sort of a believer that each one of us had a path that was laid before us. That our journey was tough at times, exhilarating at others, but always on the tracks laid out for you. And now, I just don't. Now I believe that we are on a journey, but the map is being drawn as we walk. And wander. Five years ago, I was sure of my "calling" (whatever the hell that is), my direction, and my faith. And now I feel that I have been walking in the woods at night, and i don't know where the fuck I am, or how the fuck I got here, or for that matter, where the fuck I am going.
To say that the last couple of years have been tough would be an understatement. Lost jobs and the financial chaos that brings. Lost loved ones, and the ensuing sadness and emptiness. And relationships that have been pulled and tested to the point of (hopefully not) breaking. To say that I want 2012 to be the year that I reclaim my life and figure stuff out is an even bigger understatement. But I know that it's not completely up to me. I can set out with good intentions, but I must react to what the journey brings. And I know that any minute, the whole thing can blow up.
And if it does, what then?
That, I think, is why I'm back on the blog. To talk some of this out maybe can help me make some sense of it, and maybe shed some light on the way I'm going. It's cathartic talking about your struggles. I recently had a chance to, for an audience at my home church. And I tried to be honest (as much as that is possible in a church) and lay out there how I have felt lost and without God for a while now, but that things seemed to be turning around and hopefully I could reclaim some sort of faith in God. Problem was, I kept getting nudged along to the happy ending that they wanted for me, kept getting asked leading questions that would make me acknowledge the once-was-lost-but-now-am-found narrative that they wanted me to acknowledge. So my refuge is the internet, where I can be labeled a heretic by complete strangers.
Seems like a good idea, right?
So I'll share the journey here, along with some rabbit holes and side streets I may go down (by that i mean sports). Feel free to read along, comment, converse, or call me an idiot. Maybe we can all be better for it. Or maybe not. That's part of the fun, right?
Not knowing.
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