I used to say that life was like a roller coaster, full of ups and downs. That sometimes life was in a valley, sometimes at a peak, and that the real work came in climbing up those peaks.
I now realize this is complete bullshit.
The problem with the roller coaster visual is that, despite the ups and downs, the path remains fixed. You always end up at the predetermined end-point. A designer somewhere has laid out the way you will go, and the ups and downs are a means to this end. So despite the laborious climbs and the stomach-dropping falls, you always can rest knowing that after the ride you will be deposited where you were always set out to be.
The reason I bring this up is because I had always been sort of a believer that each one of us had a path that was laid before us. That our journey was tough at times, exhilarating at others, but always on the tracks laid out for you. And now, I just don't. Now I believe that we are on a journey, but the map is being drawn as we walk. And wander. Five years ago, I was sure of my "calling" (whatever the hell that is), my direction, and my faith. And now I feel that I have been walking in the woods at night, and i don't know where the fuck I am, or how the fuck I got here, or for that matter, where the fuck I am going.
To say that the last couple of years have been tough would be an understatement. Lost jobs and the financial chaos that brings. Lost loved ones, and the ensuing sadness and emptiness. And relationships that have been pulled and tested to the point of (hopefully not) breaking. To say that I want 2012 to be the year that I reclaim my life and figure stuff out is an even bigger understatement. But I know that it's not completely up to me. I can set out with good intentions, but I must react to what the journey brings. And I know that any minute, the whole thing can blow up.
And if it does, what then?
That, I think, is why I'm back on the blog. To talk some of this out maybe can help me make some sense of it, and maybe shed some light on the way I'm going. It's cathartic talking about your struggles. I recently had a chance to, for an audience at my home church. And I tried to be honest (as much as that is possible in a church) and lay out there how I have felt lost and without God for a while now, but that things seemed to be turning around and hopefully I could reclaim some sort of faith in God. Problem was, I kept getting nudged along to the happy ending that they wanted for me, kept getting asked leading questions that would make me acknowledge the once-was-lost-but-now-am-found narrative that they wanted me to acknowledge. So my refuge is the internet, where I can be labeled a heretic by complete strangers.
Seems like a good idea, right?
So I'll share the journey here, along with some rabbit holes and side streets I may go down (by that i mean sports). Feel free to read along, comment, converse, or call me an idiot. Maybe we can all be better for it. Or maybe not. That's part of the fun, right?
Not knowing.
Good to have you back, brother.
ReplyDeleteThe "once-was-lost-but-now-am-found narrative". Isn't that such a huge part of the problem? No disrespect to any one that feels confident in that belief. They are probably a happier person than I am.
We're all so fucking lost, though. That's the game. To play it by mindlessly claiming control over something we so obviously do not control seems not only lazy, but foolish.
I love the image of our Creator drawing the lines of our life just a step out in front of us, each line on the template a reaction to a decision that we've made or experienced. It's seems like a more honest perspective.
I am hoping for the best of 2012's for you and yours. I am also hoping to be a part of it with you!